Ed and the Shrinkray
by iWantTheWholeWorld
Summary: When Ed finds an unsual book with a strange title, he starts to get certain evil ideas . . . which involve Roy Mustang and shrink-rays . . .
1. Chapter 1  Research

AN.

THIS IS MY FIRST STORY ON FANFICTION. EVER. !

If you're reading this message now, thanks for trying this story out. . . I'm not sure anyone will read this because the summary is so crap . . . As you can see I'm not good at summaries. . . Yeah, moving on . . . Right.

Oh, I guess I should say thanks to my sister who helped me out quite a bit with my story, and may you eternally annoy me forever more . . . love you . . .

DISCLAIMER : Thanks for assuming that I am the creator of FMA, I would give you a cookie right now if I had any, but the problem with that idea is that I would never have any cookies to give you because I would of eaten them all by then . . . Sorry . . . . . . . cookies rock . . . Anyway, even though I am really awesome, I do not own FMA, OK? . . . . . . I hope I don't need to write a disclaimer every chapter. That would be so annoying . . .

**Shrink-Ray**

**Chapter 1 - Research**

Ed threw down another book, exasperated by the lack of leads they had been getting on the Philosopher Stone for the past few weeks of searching. Ed thought back to all the sleepless nights that had been wasted.

"This is useless!" Ed wailed. "I bet Colonel Screw-up had something to do with this!"

Al looked up from the book he was flicking through to his older brother, and sighed. "Brother, I know you hate Colonel Mustang, but how could he have anything to do with this? And, besides, the Colonel has done a lot to help over the past few years. You should try and be a bit more respectful. . ."

"Respect? To that bastard! I bet he doesn't even know the meaning of that word, vain-self-serving-bastard-with-a-god-complex!" Ed followed this up by transmuting a RoyDoll with rosy pink cheeks, red painted lips and a tiny miniskirt, and started the task of ripping the doll to shreds.

"You're just looking for someone to blame, brother," Al said wearily, as he attempted to stop Ed from shredding their research notes and the near-by furniture.

"I'm not LOOKING for someone to blame, he IS to blame!" Ed didn't have an answer to how this could be Mustang's fault, but he wasn't going to give Al another chance to point that out, so he kept on ranting ( until he couldn't think of anything else to rant about so he started to shout random words out loud ), until he stopped abruptly as he noticed a book with a very interesting title. Al looked at Ed, surprised at Ed's sudden lack of rantingness, but didn't press it. AN* 'Rantingness' Haha! My sister made that word up, I think that should be classified as 'Ed's Word'. *

'He must have found something that looked promising on the Philosopher's Stone,' Al mused, picking up yet another book.

'Now, _this_ looks interesting,' Ed thought, an evil smile creeping onto his face. '_Very_ interesting. . .'

* * *

_The Shrink-Ray is a tool used to decrease the size and mass of the object that it is focused upon, making it easier to transport and handle heavy weights. It is capable of reducing the matter of an object down to 50% of its usual state . . . _

_The mythological Philosopher Stone is rumoured to be able to greatly increase the power of an alchemic reaction. . . _Blah blah blah. Al sighed. This stuff was far too basic, and held nothing that they didn't already knowabout the stone. Placing the book to the side and about to pick up another, Al heard a peculiar sound that would of sent shivers up his spine - if he had one. Al quickly turned to face the new-found danger and saw . . .Ed. Or what he thought was Ed. . . Or what he thought had once been Ed. . .

The thing vaguely resembling his elder brother was standing on top of a table which made him nearly as tall as Al. (Okay, that's impossible, but if you include the elevated boots and the antennae, then I guess it kinda makes sense . . . kinda.) His hands were raised in front of him as if he had grasped the world in his claws and had full power over everyone and everything. His face was distorted into a creepy/evil grin which appeared to stretch across both sides of his face, and his eyes seemed to hold a certain menacing edge to them. And. . . Al looked closer. Were his eyes . . . _glowing . . ._ _red_? The only thing that Al could think of to describe the sound coming out of his brother's mouth was a guttural cackle. A black mass of energy seemed to encircle his brother's form. Papers flew about the room and pages were ripped out of books. The lights flickered off and on, giving the library a haunted aura. Al noticed that the library had been evacuated, the door creaking open and closed slowly; only partly induced by the panicked mortals who had moments before fled the room.

'I better do something before he rips this place apart,' Al thought rubbing the back of his head and sighing. He walked over to Ed, and put his hand on his brother's arm. When this did not work and Ed continued to laugh maniacally, Al rolled his non-existent eyes. "Brother. You haven't found another book on how to decompose milk, have you?"

The pages slowly fluttered and fell to the floor, the door stopped swinging back and forth, and the lights flickered on and off a few times before returning to normal.

Ed's evil laugh dissipated as his arms were lowered fractionally and his hands relaxed slightly from his rigid stance, before turning his head to face Al. "Oh, hey, Al," Ed said simply. "What's up?" Before waiting for Al to respond, Ed hopped down from the table and walked across the room towards the door (where a brave woman had poked her head through the door, but as she saw Ed, and recognised him as the demon from before, her face turned to one of horror, and she had fearfully fled to somewhere very, very far away.) Ed reached the door before it closed and left the library.

Al rubbed the back of his head.

A few seconds later, Ed's head appeared from behind the library door, eyes scanning the library and passing right over Al as if he wasn't even there. His eyes then focussed on an object somewhere to the left of Al. He studied it scrutinizingly for a few seconds before looking around the room for any unseen threats. Deciding it was safe to enter, Ed cautiously entered the empty-except-for-Al room, and scurried across the room to the object; a leather-bound book.

Al watched as Ed quickly snatched up the book, and held it to his chest possessively, noticing Al and snarling at him in a warning to keep the hell away. His brother then proceeded to back out of the room, watching Al carefully before sprinting the last few meters towards the door and exiting swiftly.

Ed left behind in his wake disaster, chaos, ripped-up books, scattered papers, upturned chairs and a confused Al – but not too confused. He had come to terms with the fact that his brother was just like this.

Staring after Ed at the closed door for a few seconds, Al rubbed the back of his head once more, turning in a slow circle surveying the disaster that once was a 'library'. He then looked back across the room to his chair where he always sat, which had been toppled over. He slowly walked over to it, up righting it, sitting down, and promptly picking up the book in front of him. He would deal with the mess later.

. . . _Incredible powers_ . . . bla bla bla . . ._ Can take on a liquid form._. .

* * *

_AN. If you got this far, I am eternally thankful and you truly are amazing and I love you and now I wont shut up because because I'm annoying but also awesome at the same time __Please review. I need to know if anyone has enjoyed this story and if I should continue. Critism is also welcomed, thanks._


	2. Chapter 2  The Effects of the Shrinkray

_*AN. People of Thanks . . . that sounds really weird . . . _

**Who'reUCallingAPipsqeakMidget**

** Ultimateyaoifangirl **

**Vladimir D. Cloud **

**SmileyFaceSaysHiXD**

_Thanks for the reviews, they really help. Keep 'em coming! . . . _

_This is the night before my NON-calculator maths test . . . I should be studying, but instead I am using my time for greater purposes . . . And after that I have a calculator maths test . . . I love school . . . so very, very much . . . *_

Chapter 2

The Effects of the Shrink-ray

Colonel Roy Mustang sat slouched lazily in his usual chair at central HQ. His chin rested in his left hand, elbow supported by the desk, while his right hand fiddled with a black pen, clicking it on and off enough times to drive anyone crazy.

A sudden knock at the door made him jump. Faster than the human eye could keep up with, Mustang had grabbed a pile of papers with a well practised hand (Riza had caught him lazing off lots of times before) with the thoughts, 'Oh god, oh god. Riza's going to kill me!' racing through his head. 'I wonder if burning myself to death would be a less-painful way to go . . .' he had also contemplated many times before.

He started to sign papers furiously and shouted to the woman-who-was-personally-going-to-beat-him-to-death, "Uh . . .come in!"

He heard the door creak open and he winced inwardly, but continued to stare down at his papers and sign and at impressive speed to make it seem as if he had really been trying his hardest to finish the small mountain of damned papers that had been piling up over the past few weeks. Lt. Hawkeye wouldn't buy his obviously fake act - she was used to Roy's excuses by now and would show no mercy towards him. Roy cringed at the thought, waiting for her to begin his slow and agonizingly painful torture.

. . . . . Nothing happened. . . . . . . . .

Roy glanced up hesitantly, confused to why he was still alive and breathing. He found his answer when he looked up and saw the one and only head of none other than Edward Elric, poking through the half-opened door.

Roy closed his eyes and breathed out a sigh of relief. He wasn't going to die today. (Although he might think differently if he knew what Ed was thinking . . .) He was surprised to why Ed had shown up here of his own free will, and not being dragged kicking and screaming by his younger, far more mature, brother – but he didn't question it. He quickly composed himself back to his normal, cocky demeanour.

"Fullmetal, what a pleasant surprise," Colonel Mustang droned in a lazily amused voice, resting his chin on his steepled fingers, glancing at the small figure in the doorway. He brought his lips up into his trade-mark smirk, waiting for an angry retort from the midget shrimp . . . but none came . . .

He then looked at Edward properly for the first time.

"Uh . . . Fullmetal . . ." Mustang trailed off. Ed's eyes were boring straight into his with an intensity that slightly scared him. It was as if Ed was looking right into him, and he didn't like it. "Fullmetal . . . What are you doing . . . ?" Roy treaded cautiously, squirming at the focus of those eyes.

An evil smile crept onto Ed's face, and his eyes lit up with a childish glee.

"What am I doing . . ." Ed paused, seeming to have to think about this for a while, relishing the anticipation he felt in the room.

"Well . . ."

Ed sprung into the room, a massive, bad-ass looking laser/gun thingy held in his hands - and pointed directly at Mustang. Obviously.

Roy noticed as Ed's grin was replaced with a look of dead seriousness as he cried,

"PREPARE TO BE VANQUISHED BY THE AWESOME POWERS OF THE SHRINK-RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"

-ZAP-

. . .

Ed was still holding the gun pointed at Mustang, frozen into position, staring . . .

Mustang's look of horror turned to one of confusion . . . then it deteriorated as he threw his head back unable to hold in his laughter at the situation.

He heard Ed growl somewhere in front of him, making Mustang laugh even harder. "Ha! . . . Looks as if . . . you're little . . . gun . . . didn't work!" he managed to choke out through his hysterical fits. He, Colonel Mustang (soon to be Fuhrer) , Flame Alchemist, Adored-by-the-Ladies, had_** actually**_ been **_scared_** of this little shrimp as he pointed that absolutely, 100% useless gun at him. . . Ha! This was killing him!

Finally calming down enough so he let out just the occasional giggle, Mustang glanced over to Ed to see that he had still not lowered his arms and was glaring at him.

Roy just grinned and leaned forward to rest his elbows on his desk . . . which met with thin air . . . the momentum carried him forward and he toppled to the floor, beneath his desk.

'Huh?' Mustang's eyes widened in surprise. 'What the hell just happened there . . .'

He quickly stood, stepping away from the desk . . . and found that he was eye-level with the Fullmidget Alchemist.

"WHAT THE FUCK? ! ?" Mustang yelled. "NO WAY! ! !" He looked down at himself, and found he was much closer to the ground than he had originally been. He hadn't been this close to the ground since he was eight! And everything looked so . . . Tall . . .

He heard Ed snickering, and he glared at Fullmetal with burning eyes. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!" A dangerous edge had entered his voice.

Ed continued to snicker and point at Mustang in delight. "Ha ha . . . You're tiny!" Ed smirked at Mustang, and Mustang retorted, "I'M THE SAME SIZE AS YOU!"

*AN. Remember I said that the Shrink-ray reduces objects to half of it's original size? Isn't that hilarious that when Roy is shrunk to half-size, he is still the same height as Ed (Actually, he's probably a bit taller, after all, Ed is wearing elevated boots . . .) Just thought I'd inform you of this extremely interesting and relevant piece of information! *

Edward glared back at him. "Shut up, you BastardColonel!"

They both glared at each other for a tense few minutes, until Ed glanced back down at the laser/gun, now revealed as the all-powerful** Shrink-ray**! *twinkle* Yeah! !

He then looked back up to Mustang, a grin twitching at the corners of his lips. ". . . So, Mustang . . . how would you feel about growing a bit shorter, huh?"

Ed raised the gun, and Mustang's eyes widened.

"NOOOOOO!" Roy yelled as he ran forward to attempt to disarm Fullmetal. 'I will not put up with the humiliation of being shorter than the Midget of the People. Never!'

-ZAP-

. . .Sorry for leaving it on a cliff-hanger. . . I need to think a little bit, and I probably should do a bit of studying for my Math's Test (WOO!) before I go to bed early at 2am. The next chapter will take longer, I think, but I'll try to keep the wait to a minimum. Thanks for reading! And please review for me!


	3. Chapter 3 Of Freaky Tall Mutant Beings

_AN. I am really, really Sorry with a capital S, and no, I do not have an excuse for being so late to update, apart from I am extremely lazy and am a massive prick! You happy now? . . . You're not, are you? . . . Would it help if I said i loved you? Do you want a hug? . . . *hands out hugs*_

**Chapter 3 – Of Freaky Tall Mutant-Beings.**

-ZAP-

-ZAP-

"GIVE ME THE FUCKING GUN!"

"IT'S NOT A GUN, IT'S A SHRINK-RAY, COLONEL-SCREW-UP!"

"I DON'T FUCKING CARE!"

"AAHH! YOU BASTARD!"" Edward shrieked as he was shrunk to half of his original height.

Roy threw back his head and laughed. "I hadn't thought it possible until now that the shrimp could grow any smaller . . . I guess you learn something new everyday," Roy smirked, but it quickly dissipated as Ed managed to wrench the laser/gun thingy ("IT'S A SHRINK-RAY, YOU BASTARD!") out of Roy's hands - using his Insane Midget Strength ( heh heh! My sister came up with that) - and shot it directly at his chest.

"WHO YOU CALLING SMALL NOW, COLONEL-BASTARD-SHRIMP!" Ed screamed as Mustang shrank down to Ed's height.

Ed readied the shrink-ray to shoot again. . .

"OH NO YOU DON'T!" Mustang lept forward and pushed the gun thingy ( "DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT AGAIN!") up so it pointed up to the ceiling.

-ZAP-

An unfortunate light was caught up in the fight, and turned considerably smaller.

* * *

Riza rushed down the hall, quickening her pace as the building shook slightly.

"GIVE ME THE GUN, FULLMETAL!"

"FUCK YOU!"

"FULLMETALL!"

"I HATE YOU, BASTARD!"

Riza sighed. She knew that they both found it hard to . . . get along ( -insert serious understatement here- ) ,but she hadn't thought that it'd come down to this. . . that they'd actually try to kill each other . . .

* * *

"IT'S MINE, I FOUND IT!"

"THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT YOURS!"

"YES! YES IT DOES!"

Ed was pushed into a table leg during the struggle for dominance of the Shrink-ray, and a lamp was sent crashing to the floor. Ed grabbed the lamp ( without having to kneel down ) with one hand and started to bash Mustang repeatedly- and painfully- on the head, yelling "GET OFF, GET OFF GET OFF!"

"AAHH!" Mustang tried to grab the lamp before it crashed down onto his head once more. "STOP! FULLMETAL - THAT FUCKING HURTS!" _'Are we really trying to kill each other?'_ he wondered briefly, before returning back to the fight and screaming at Ed again. "YOU ARE **SO** NOT GETTING A BIRTHDAY PRESENT!"

Ed gasped, hurt. "You . . . you BASTARD!"

* * *

"**WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!**"

Both Midget-man and Midget-boy looked up, startled to see a very, very, freakishly, and inhumanly tall giant-being-thing towering over them . . . and looking very, very, VERY pissed-off.

'_. . .Oh, shit . . ._' Ed grimanced. _'We're in trouble . . ._' Mustang just squeakued in fear.

* * *

"**WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!**" Riza shouted, ( more like screeched ) not quite sure if she was meant to be confused or angry, but she chose the latter.

Both , who she had identified as Mustang and Edward ( at about 2 feet tall ) head's shot up, startled. Edward's hand stopped short of bashing his superior on the head. Again.

They were gripping tightly to a weird looking laser/gun, ( "DAMN IT! DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT AGAIN!" ) neither one of them eager to let go. The gun ( "AHHH!" ) appeared to be . . . taller than them . . .

They were staring at her, eyes terrified, like rabbits caught in the headlights. Honestly. She sighed. She wasn't that scary . . .

Riza gaze scanned over them slowly, and calmly, and then said in a practised official tone, "I'm not going to get involved in this . . . And, I also really dont think I want to know what all of this is about . . . "

Both sighed in relief. They weren't going to die today.

"Oh, Colonel Mustang . . . " Riza's eyes zeroed in on Roy, and the sense of hope that he had clung on to briefly shattered into nothingness at her next words.

" . . . Have you finished your paperwork?" She asked, eyes narrowing. The only answer that she would be happy with, Roy couldn't give.

Roy squeauked once more in pure terror, and stepped back ( letting go of the Shrink-ray ), trying in vain to calculate if he could reach the window at the other end of the room, fling it open, and jump to his relatively painless death before Riza shot him. . . Not likely . . .

_'I'm too young to die! . . . '_

* * *

" . . . Have you finished your paperwork?"

Luckily, all of Lt. Hawkeyes attention was focussed intensely on Mustang. Ed even managed to feel some pity for the Bastard . . . Although it wasn't enough to keep him from shooting him again, however . . .

Ed laughed in delight as Mustang shrunk yet again, but stopped abruptly when Riza's death glare focused upon him.  
Her eyes held his, and Ed stood stock still, not able to move or look away.

_'Maybe if I stand still for long enough she'll forget about me and go back to beating Mustang to a pulp . . . just maybe . . .' _

But it turned out that his brilliantly thought-out plan didn't work out so well . . .

"Edward. Give me the gun," ( " . . .not . . .gun . . . shrink. . .ray. . ." ) Riza commanded, in an eerily quiet voice.  
"N-n-no," Ed stuttered, gripping tightly to the shrink-ray, eyes wide and scared. He hadn't felt this terrified since he had met the Truth. . .

Riza stepped forward slowly, and drew 'The Dreaded Weapon Of Dreadedness' aka Riza's Gun, from her holster, without even taking her steely eyes off of Ed, which were saying, "Give me the weapon, and maybe you'll survive till your next birthday. . ."

(Not that it would be worth it if Mustang wasn't getting him a present, anyway, Ed sniffed). Ed stepped back quickly. "S-s-stay back, foul demon!"

Seeing Riza's eyes flash with anger, Ed grimanced, thinking, just maybe that wasn't the best thing to say.

"U-uh-um . . . What I meant to say is . . . u-uh . . . M-my God, Riza! You're looking lovely today - as usual of course you always look lovely Riza but i bet you get told that everyday cause you always look lovely don't you mmm you smell lovely as always i should tell you that more often because its true and . . . and. . . "

Ed flinched as Riza flicked the safety-clip off of 'The Dreaded Weapon of Dreadedness'.

Ed mouth dropped open. She wouldn't really kill him . . . Would she? _'Oh my God, I'm gonna die at the hands of a crazy freakishly-tall-mutant psycho woman who is corrupted by her greed for world domination '_ . . . okay, maybe the last part wasn't true, but who could blame him for a bit of exageration at a time like this?

"Y-y-you can't k-kill me!"

Riza didn't look like she agreed, raising the gun slightly.

"W-w-wait! Wait! Ahh . . . Think of Al! Yes, Al!" Ed shouted desperately. "You wouldn't kill me! You can't! What about my poor little brother? What would he do without me! Think of his big, round eyes . . . uh . . . I mean his hurt glowing red eyes as you tell him that you killed his big brother that he doted on and the one that looked after him for so many years! ( Actually the other way round! ) And who would return him to his real body? Think of the children! Think of Al! Come on, Riza, you have a heart in there somewhere . . . Don't you?" Ed wondered if that was even possible, until Riza spoke.

Riza didn't even blink through the whole speech. "I'm sure he would understand, Edward."

Ed backed off even further, shrink-ray along with him, and looked frantically around the room for a final resort. His eyes fell onto Mustung, who was cowering under a table, looking pale, but alive.

Ed turned back to Riza and shouted, almost feeling guilty about it, "W-wait! Mustung hasn't done his paperwork yet! Shouldn't you kill him instead?"

* * *

Roy froze as Riza's eyes snapped from Fullmetal to him, eyes widening in horror.

"You TRAITOR!" Roy shot at Ed.

"I swore no alliance to you!"

"Yes, YES YOU DID!"

"Oh yeah. The whole state alchemist/dog of the military thing. . . forgot about that . . ." Ed pondered, deep in thought.

Ed's head snapped up at Riza's next words. "Don't think I'm letting you off, Edward. Give me the gun. NOW!"

* * *

Sorry for cliffhanger, and sorry if you want more action (I've possibly got a midget mission planned to fit in! )

Review please, and tell me if theres anything that you don't like. Thanks.


	4. Chapter 4 What Lurks Yonder the Couch

****

_AN. Soooo . Here's the next chapter for ya. . . dun dun DUN! . . . right . . ._

_I'm really sorry if i didn't reply to your reviews. This is because I replied to most people, but I forgot for others, and by then it would be weird if I sent a reply a month later . . . _

**_BASIC SUMMARY : what happened in chapter 3 is Riza's about to kick Roy and Ed's asses, Roy because he's not finished his paperwork - what's new? and Ed because he wont hand over the Shrink-ray._**

* * *

**Chapter 4 - What Lurks Yonder the Couch **- What an awesome chapter title!

#

Ed's head snapped up at Riza's next words. "Don't think I'm letting you off, Edward. Give me the gun. NOW!"

"B-but M-Mustung . . . paperwork . . ." Ed trailed off.

Riza glanced over to the shaking Colonel. "He will also be dealt with. I promise."**

* * *

**

'_Ahhhh! She's staring holes into me again! Damn if she isn't a scary woman . . . I HATE YOU, FULLMETAL!_'

Edventually Roy couldn't take it anymore, and made a dive for the sofa. Not _onto_ the sofa. I mean _underneath _the sofa. There, the Magnificent Flame Alchemist, Colonel Mustang, lifelong dream and ambition to become the Fuhrer, sat huddled in a ball, cowering in fear, knees pulled up to his chin, and shaking like a leaf.

"Don't . . . wanna . . . die . . . not . . . safe . . . don't . . . wanna . . . wanna . . . live . . . not . . . die . . .living . . . good . . ."

It was then that Colonel Mustang realised that Lt. Hawkeye hadn't pursued him . . . yet.

"Still alive," He breathed in shakily. _'As long as Eds being mashed to into a pulp and not me, everything's ok.' _Roy wasn't being self-centered. Not at all. Actually, quite the contrary. _'The poor ladies wouldn't be able to gaze upon my handsome features if it was all mashed up,' _he thought in a rather valient, self-sacrificing manner of true gentlemanship, putting a hand to his chin and giving a quick nod, as if to agree with himself. "Yes, yes, that makes sense. . ."

* * *

Ed watched as Mustang threw himself under the couch and left him to face the Demon's wrath by himself. _' . . . traitor . . .' _Ed thought dejectedly.

He then looked back to _her _and wished he hadn't.

Gulping nervously Ed tried once again at a failed technique. "W-wow! Did I tell you how s-stunning you look today, Lietenant?"

"Yes you did," Riza stated.

"U-uh um . . . You smell nice?" he tried again.

"Yes."

"Urm . . . you must get told how dashing you look all the time?"

"Yes."

" . . . You always look great?"

"Yes."

Ed rubbed his head thoughtfully. "Man, I really used them all up, didn't I?" He muttered. ". . .Your hair looks nice today?"

"No, you didn't use that one."

Edward brightened. "Oh. Well, your hair looks nice today, Lietena. . ."

**-BANG-**

Ed stood frozen as a bullet flew right past his head, taking a few strands of hair with it (NOT THE HAIR!) . The slight smile was still present on his features, as if he hadn't yet processed what had just happened, a hand outstretched in a friendly gesture towards the one who, a second ago, had nearly blown his head clean off.

After a few seconds of silence, Ed recovered and backed up. "WHAT THE HELL! . . . T-that wasn't n-nice . . ." he faltered, as _she _stepped forward towards him.

'That didn't work as planned. . .'

. . . Entering the realm of Ed, child genius's mind, and his very logical way of thinking. . .

* * *

_Plan A : stand very still, don't move, hope she forgets you're there - FAILED. _

_Plan B : Compliment her, tell her how nice she looks - FAILED. _

_Plan c : Mention casually that Colonel Bastard still has to finish his paperwork mountain, substantially averting attention - FAILED.  
_

_Plan D : Abandon all of the above plans 'coz their stupid and will never work - PASSED_

* * *

_'My best__ chance of survival is to hide with Colonel Bastard, because then there is a small chance that she may divert her attention on to him and attack him instead of me. . . THINK FAST, ED!'_

Without another thought, Ed dashed for the couch, where he knew the Colonel hid. He made a dive for the small gap between the couch and the floor . . . and managed to bump himself on the head instead. Ed spent a few precious moments trying to squeeze underneath it, with the demon slowly advancing on him.

"What? I'm not small enough to fit under the couch. . . The ONLY time I wish I was actually small . . . THE ONLY TIME!

. . .Only one thing to do. . ." Ed muttered to himself determindely. '_I'm really gonna regret this!_'

-**ZAP**-

* * *

_Sorry for the massive delay, and that the length of this chapter doesn't make up for the wait; it's actually shorter. . .Sorry._

_I got the whole boxset of Death Note for my birthday!, which I finished pretty quickly. I was off school one day, and I managed to watch 17 episodes! (which is nearly half of the whole anime, which is 37 episodes) . . . I'm a pretty sad person. . ._


	5. Chapter 5 Enter Al

**Let me open up this story by reminding you all that, there are in fact people who haven't updated for longer than I have ... :)**

**RECAP : Ed and Mustang get into a shrink-ray fight, and Riza is most unimpressedest, so they flee under the couch . . . what an awesome sounding story.**

* * *

**Chapter 5 - Enter Al**

Heavy footsteps sounded down the hallway of Eastern HQ, people turning to stare after the massive figure passing by.

Alphonse hummed a familiar tune, which he couldn't seem to get out of his head, while smiling politely at a passing woman.

His humming faultered a bit as he thought of the full-fledged tantrum awaiting him. . . as per usual. The probability rate was very high. . .

'_Think happy thoughts, Al. Happy thoughts!_' This seemed to work well, as Al blindly walked down the hall in a daze, in a land filled with cute little kitties, floating flowers, and lots of Eds and Mustangs exsisting together in harmony.

His happy place was abruptly and rudely interrupted when a loud clang rang in the air. Al blinked, (Ah, well, would have blinked) and looked around dazedly, and saw nothing.

That was, until he heard a moan, and a muffled curse - a very exotic one. Al looked down to see who was sprawled on the ground with a pretty impressive bump forming on their forehead.

"2nd Lieutenant Havoc?" Al stared at him for a few moments in confusion. "What are you doing down there?"

"Al!" Havoc moaned again in a whiny voice. "What the hell are you _made_ of - Oh; my head, my goddamn head!" Havoc proved his point by cupping his head in both of his hands.

"Ah...steel," Al answered.

Havoc scrunched his eyes up, looking up at the towering,_ steel_ figure looming above him. "Uh, yeah. . . forgot about that. . ."

. . .

Havoc stood up very promptly, as if remembering something. "I wouldn't go that way if I were you, Al!" He shouted over his shoulder as he sprinted/stumbled off, rather cuncussedly.

"Wha- why?" Al shouted after him, but was awarded with silence.

It was then that Al noticed all the people running the opposite direction from which he was taking, some pushing past him as they went.

'_How rude!_' Al huffed indignantly, and started to walk against the tide of panicked people.

As the mob thinned, the deadly silence became apparent, that seemed to be leaking from down the corridor. . .

Al 's pace faltered. '_It feels . . . so' - "_Evil_. . ._" he whispered the last word out loud, and then gasped in horror. "Brother!"

Al ran down the corridor, his pounding feet a sharp contrast against the Silence, (Yes, it now has a capital) before stopping very abruptly in front of the door leading into Colonel Mustang's office. He hesitantly leaned in closer to the door.

No sound.

Al just managed to stop a squeal from slipping out as a loud bang was heard from behind the closed doors.

"D-deep b-breath, Al. Y-you c-c-an do t-this. . .B-brother's in t-trouble. . .j-just open i-it . . ."

Mustering up his strength, Al reached out his gloved hand, resting it against the door.

And knocked.

When there was no answer, Al reached deep down inside of himself for the hidden reserves of his bravery, and timidly opened the door, peeking his head through the gap. It was definitely too dangerous to enter unknown territory without extreme caution.

. . .

...There was Lt. Hawkeye.

...There was a suspicious looking couch trembling in the middle of the room.

...And there was a gun.

She acknowledged him with a nod without turning to face him. "Hello, Alphonse."

The tin can shifted nervously as he entered the room. "U-uh, Lieutenant," Al greeted. "Do you know where brother is?"

"Yes, Alphonse. I do."

Before he could inquire to the whereabouts of his brother, there was a high pitched shriek that emanated from . . . the couch.

_'It's finally happened,'_ Al thought serenely as he stared blankly at a blur of red, black and yellow heading straight for him._ 'I've gone mad.'_

* * *

"AAAAALLL!"

Ed nearly cried with joy when he realised his brother; his sweet, lovely, beautiful little brother was there. To save him! With that thought in mind, he leaped up from his hideout underneath the couch, and ran straight to his sweet, lovely, beautiful, wonderful little brother.

As soon as Ed reached him, he grabbed onto Al's leg and started to clamber up it until he reached his chestplate, flung it open and jumped inside.

"Run, Al! Run!" Ed cried as he flung his hand out to close the plate behind him, but was stopped when another hand appeared to stop him.

"Wait, Fullmetal!" Mustang cried. "What have I ever done to merit you abandoning me!" An incredulous look from Ed. "...Shut up!"

He had followed Edward, seeing this as the best survival option, and now found himself clinging to Alphonse's leg for dear life by using his own, while his hands were trying to force Edward from closing his only escape route to freedom.

Ed pulled back on the plate. "Sorry, Colonel - it's too late for you!"

"No it's not! I'm too young to die! Too young and handsome! This isn't fair!" Mustang grappled back, starting a full-on tug of war.

"He's my brother!"

"People would miss me more!"

"Like who, Colonel Bastard! Who could miss-"

"LET ME IN!"

_'Yep,'_ Al thought, staring straight ahead expressionlessly._ 'Definitely gone ca-razy.'_

* * *

Riza watched as her superior ran out from under the couch, shortly followed by her_ other_ superior. She watched as her superiors fought over her superior's brother. She watched as her superiors argued about who would be missed the most, and who was more superior.

She sighed. She clicked the safety on, and tucked it into the pouch on her hip. She walked past her superiors and her superior's brother. She closed the door behind her and walked down the hall, which was starting to become inhabited again - people sensing the impending doom feeling had all but disappeared, and cautiously went back about their businesses again.

She had another pile of paperwork to collect to add to an even bigger pile of paperwork, which had Colonel Mustang's name on it.

But, until then, Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye was in need of her well deserved lunchbreak.

* * *

It wasn't until a while later that matters were resolved.

Al had realised that maybe he wasn't as crazy as he had previously thought, that role being fulfilled by his brother and the Colonel.

So said, two people had finally noticed (after a lengthy 'debate' on who should live) that danger had been aborted.

So said, two people then saw this as an opportunity to go back to trying to shrink each other, until Al confiscated the 'cause of this whole mess'.

* * *

_**I can say pretty surely that I will have the next chapter out sooner than last time. I'm reeeeeealy sorry about how long it took, and may I suggest that if anyone is having trouble with updating, to then dare someone that if you do not get the next chapter up within a certain period of time (I said a week) that you shall owe them a tenner. Trust me. It really works.**_


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